I was scared of the Holy Spirit for a large portion of my life. Scared. Fearful. Even terrified. It couldn’t have helped that the name for the Spirit I heard was “The Holy Ghost.” As a child, I had this vision of a ghost, not nearly as friendly as Casper, who could come and go through the walls of my house and check up on me. For a time, I was sure that it was the Holy Ghost who reported to Santa about who had been naughty and nice. Ghosts, holy or not, were not to be trusted.
I was not sure I wanted the Holy Spirit in my life at all.
As a teenager, I was taught that my body was the temple of the Holy Spirit, a theologically sound teaching. This Scripture was, however, most often brought to my attention in the context of discussions about sexual purity. Becoming aware of my sexuality as a teenager, I remember feeling guilty for every sexual thought because I knew that the Holy Ghost was inside the same temple as my hormones, and this combination did not bode well. Again, there was fear. I was fearful that the Holy Spirit might go tell the Other Two what thoughts I had about kissing boys when I listened to Rod Stewart songs. I was not sure I wanted the Holy Spirit in my life.
I was thirteen years old when I was baptized, and I don’t remember very much about it. I know that I had not talked to my parents or anyone else about it previously. I listened to the lessons at a revival at my church, a Jimmy-Allen revival, for those who remember those meetings. I took notes, and, after I felt sufficiently scared of going to hell, I made my way down that aisle just as I was and said I wanted to go to heaven for sure. Maybe it was because I was a child, but that’s all I remember understanding at that point. I cried hard the whole way down the aisle, the whole time I was changing into the church baptismal clothes, the whole time I was in the water, and the whole way home.
As I matured, I sometimes felt embarrassed or apologetic that I had been so emotional when I was baptized. My friend in school, Robert Cooper, got baptized on the very same day, and he didn’t cry. I looked back on my baptism with some regret that I had been emotional. Later I even questioned whether it was a legitimate baptism, whether I had understood enough of what I was doing or whether I did it for the right reasons. Several times I considered being re-baptized, which was fairly common among my friends as they went through some of the same doubts I had experienced.
One specific concept concerned me, and that was whether I had received the Holy Spirit at my baptism. I was baptized with these words “I now baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit for the remission of your sins.” That was standard procedure in our churches. I felt that any further discussion of the Holy Spirit, however, was confusing. I was taught that the Holy Spirit played a part in the early church and in the work of the writers of the New Testament, but that the Holy Spirit did not work in the miraculous ways we saw in Scripture anymore. That was something that died out with the first apostles. As I understood it, the Holy Spirit’s place was on the pages of Scripture, and since I was taught that Holy Spirit was dead, the ghost thing sort of fit with the dead part.
Gian Lorenzo Bernini, Dove of the Holy Spirit
(ca. 1660, stained glass, Throne of St. Peter, St. Peter’s Basilica, Vatican)
I was a student of Scripture, however, and I kept running across scriptures about the Spirit that didn’t jive with this explanation. I read about the fruits of the Spirit. I read about the gifts of the Spirit. I read about the Spirit’s work in the body of believers. Those were clues that the Spirit might not be dead. And, although I didn’t know what to call it at the time, I experienced the Holy Spirit in my life. I sometimes felt moved with emotion during prayer or worship in a way that continued to embarrass me. If I felt tearful during these times, I would try to subdue it, to hide it. I sometimes awoke in the middle of the night and felt compelled to journal or to pray about specific people or situations. I did not feel free to share this with anyone at the time. It seemed kooky. I felt that it was private and possibly wrong. Additionally, when I studied Scripture and prepared to teach it, I noticed guidance that seemed to come from within me, from a place other than simply my intellect. I knew something very real was taking place in me, but I didn’t know what to call it.
God used a Ugandan coworker of mine to help me better understand the Holy Spirit. Deron helped me see that these experiences were the work of the Holy Spirit. I experienced freedom when I began to look back on my life and to see the Holy Spirit in new ways. Deron shared with me that the Holy Spirit helped raise him, like his parents raised him. I looked at Deron’s life, and I saw fruits of the Holy Spirit that I had read about in Scripture. I saw how the Holy Spirit empowered Deron to learn the Lusoga language, to preach and teach powerfully, to pastor people cross-culturally, and to live as a loving husband and father. I distinctively and powerfully witnessed the Holy Spirit in Deron’s life. That’s how I finally got it – when I saw evidence of the work of the Holy Spirit in Deron’s life, and then miraculously, my eyes were opened to see how the Spirit was working in my own life (even during Rod Stewart songs).
I am not so sure the Holy Spirit can be understood apart from the communal stories of Holy-Spirit-filled human beings. Saint Patrick helped us consider the Trinity with his shamrock. Sunday school teachers explain the Holy Spirit with an apple: the skin, the flesh, and the seeds all distinct but all a part of the whole. But, those descriptions fail to acknowledge the human element. The Holy Spirit dwells in people! Scripture itself points us to see that the Spirit cannot be separated from community – the community of God and the community of believers.
My eyes were opened so that I could see the Holy Spirit’s work in my life. I looked back, seeing that the Spirit was with me during prayer, worship, journaling, study of scripture. I began to see that the Spirit was developing gifts in me that God could use in his Kingdom just like he was using Deron. This was life-transforming because I had never pictured myself in the middle of God’s work. In scripture’s terminology, I was someone relegated to the outer courts of the temple, unclean as a woman, a suspect marginal, wanna-be, not someone worthy of being the temple of the Holy Spirit, of God himself. The only way I know to describe my expanded understanding of the Spirit is that the temple of the curtain was torn in two in my life. I looked at my Christian life in a whole new way. I even looked back on my baptism in a new way, seeing that emotion could be powerful and useful, not embarrassing or regretful. I looked back on my baptism and saw that even though I did not completely understand what was happening at that time in a way that could be dissected and reasoned at the time, God took my wee bit of faith, planted it, and started growing something in me. I began to see that baptism was not an end of a thought process which would change my heaven-or-hell status, but it was an official, public acceptance of what God would do in me.
I love Paul Young’s depiction of the Holy Spirit in his book, The Shack as one who gardens the soil of our souls. I no longer see the Holy Ghost as a fearful presence in my life. Here’s how I picture this relationship.
Every year in the glorious spring in Michigan (it’s nothing but gloriousafter our long winters), I can’t wait to plant annuals in my window boxes. John, Nate and Brynn bought me window boxes one Mother’s Day, and now it’s our tradition to buy annuals for my window boxes every Mother’s Day. I usually buy begonias. I love to take the small begonia plants out of the plastic boxes one by one and carefully move them into the soil. They are small plants at that point, so I have to space them apart in anticipation of how they will grow together once they are large. I plan ahead according to how I want the colors to accentuate one another as they grow. Eventually, just a few plants will fill the entire window box, and the different colors will grow together to compliment the entire house and yard.
That process is how I envision the Holy Spirit - as a gardener, taking us in hand and carefully planting us in just the perfect spot for who God has planned for us to be, nurturing our souls for God’s purposes. I see each of us as beautiful on our own, but so much more glorious, beautiful, and healthy when planted among other believers who are also nurtured by the Holy Spirit.
I no longer fear the Holy Spirit.
I trust the Spirit as part of God’s plan for how I am held and nurtured tenderly, gently, and with purpose.
It feels safe to be held in the nurturing hands of the Holy Spirit.
And I eagerly anticipate how I may grow deeper in the great mystery of the Holy Spirit throughout my life.
“Baptising them in the name of …” Why don’t we apply this wonderful immersion word “baptisim” to how we spend time with the newly water baptised soul. Baptising in the Name of The Father, Son, & Holy Spirit? That would/should(?) look like the following. “This water baptisim begins your baptism in the name of …” so for the rest of this earthly walk you are surrounded, companioned, filled with, guarded by, loved by….etc The Father, Son, & Holy Spirit. I guess the immersing in the Names is symbolized by immersing in the water just as is immersion in His BLood. Wow, I guess this is turning into my soap box. Just asking.
I like your challenge to expand our understanding of immersion.
There are so many points at which I can empathize with you when it comes to my past and the HS. Thanks for portraying your struggle in a way that gives others hope.
I have realized that there are a lot of simialarities between this posting and our lecture in class. We live in an Option 3 world where God’s life and our life constantly overlap and interlock. One way that we interlap is through the Holy Spirit. Through baptism, we can gain the Holy Spirit. It’s God’s way of putting a deposit on us and letting us know that God’s redemption is guarunteed and eternally secure. Our actions should be worthy of our calling and this can only happen when we follow Jesus Christ.
The mention of gardening reminds me of a passage from Luke’s Gospel. (13:18) “What is the kingdom of God like? What shall i compare it to? It is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his garden. It grew and became a tree, and the birds perched in it’s branches” Even a mustard seed that is small can grow to be a huge tree, as faith can do through the Holy Spirit. Just like in class, we discussed how the Holy Spirit acts as a seal and a deposit in our lives. This is God’s commitment to his people in action as we live our lives. This also connects to N.T Wright’s saying that God offers us the spirit as a gift, and God wants us to anticipate the spirit to set the world to rights. Through the Holy Spirit we live as God’s people and can be Ambassadors for Christ.
As a younger kid, I can remember hearing the Holy Spirit be described as things the Holy Fire and the Holy Ghost, like you mentioned. These terms didn’t exactly contribute to my understanding of the idea of the Holy Spirit. For the longest time, I saw the Holy Spirit as that ghostly figure that floated around when we needed it. Not only did this confuse me, but freaked me out, since I was always taught that ghosts were bad and ungodly. That is part of the roadblock that kept me from asking questions about it. Whether to provide protection or guidance, whatever the purpose, I didn’t understand for a long time that the Holy Spirit exists internally. Little did I know, if I would have probed to understand, I probably wouldn’t have been mature enough to comprehend the relationship. It is a large topic for someone to wrap their head around at any age.
I am continually learning how the Holy Spirit works in my life, and in others. In class, I loved the perspective of seeing it as both a seal and a deposit. This lesson has really helped me grow in my understanding, and I have really enjoyed it.
I,like so many others it seems, have always struggle to really understand what the Holy Spirit is. As a child, having the trinity explained to me was very confusing and I came to some kind of conclusion that God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit were all the same thing, just with three different names. I grew up in the church and have a family that is always open to discussing God, but I guess I always just assumed that my understanding of the Holy Spirit was relatively correct. Until this course I am currently taking, and especially since this last week, I have really begun to understand that, yes, God/Jesus/Holy Spirit are all one but they each have a particular role. Through the Gospel scriptures we’ve read so far, I am beginning to realize that the Holy Spirit very much resides in me. It is my earthly connection to a heavenly God. It makes sense to me to think of the Spirit as a seal and a deposit (as a mark and a promise) that God loves me and that I will get to be with Him perfectly. When I think about the “fruits of the Spirit” (verses I’ve been familiar with my whole life!) they take on a completely new meaning. I feel like I am realizing for the first time what an incredible part of God the Holy Spirit is. The “goodness” in human beings, that call we feel to do the right thing and live justly, that is the Holy Spirit. It’s kind of mind blowing to really start to understand this.
Reading how you were baptized at 13 and were unsure about the Holy Spirit, I can somewhat relate to it. However, as a Catholic I was baptized as a baby and throughout my Catholic upbringing I really fully didn’t understand what the Holy Spirit or Holy Ghost was. Recently I was able to get a fresh take on what exactly the Holy Spirit is and what it purpose is by reading the most recent chapters assigned from Simply Christian. I found it extremely interesting how N.T. Wright was able to relate the Spirit to the four echoes (Justice, Spirituality, Relationships, Beauty).
When starting reading this post a verse came to me, which was “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man (or woman), I put the ways of childhood behind me” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:11. I felt that this verse could be applied because when we are little we truly do not completely understand what we are doing or even comprehend everything. When younger people decide to become baptized they sometimes do not completely comprehend what they are doing and what this action that they are taking part of. Because I also know people who were baptized at an early age, and they were wondering or wanted to become baptized again because they now better understand what baptism is all about.
I really like how you used your baptism as an example of what God would do in you. I also like the analogy of planting flowers and as they grow they will fill the flower box up, just like God/Holy Spirit when they work in us they fill us up, even though they start with just a little seed planted inside of us. From class we can view the seal with a signet ring can be applied to how baptism can be viewed as God/Holy Spirit putting their seal on us because the seal of the Holy Spirit certifies God’s ownership and protection of His people. Also the Holy Spirit functions as a deposit which pledges that God’s redemption is guaranteed and eternally secure.
When i thought of the Holy Spirit as a child i remember getting scared, thinking that it was something that could hurt me if i didn’t believe in God or do the right thing. From class i now have a better understanding of the Holy Spirit and the true purpose of why God placed it in our lives. I realized that the Holy Spirit is more of a guide on how God would like us to live. Something that is always in us and Will always be there for us.
I believe it takes a lot of courage to really tell your story with the struggle of the holy spirit. I, myself as a child, and really now, I find it hardtobelievein the HS even though I am baptized as a Christian. the class and this passage has taught me that the Holy Spirit does exist inside me as well and to not be afraid to live the life through God. Thanks for the inspiration.
The way you described your experience of learning about the holy ghost and the guilt you felt with hormonal growth is a common problem in the world of Christianity. A lot of people fail to explain how to deal with your hormones as you grow, which leads to the feeling of guilt and thinking your constantly sinning without control. There should always be a explanation of what the purpose of baptism is and the how the holy ghost nurtures over you.
When you stated that you cried the entire time during your baptism, I couldn’t help but think of when my Godson was baptized not to long ago. When he was lifted by the priest and presented to the congregation and they all started clapping to welcome him into the Catholic community, my Godson lost it in the worst way. He started crying and screaming and kicking like i’ve never seen before. The onlookers all laughed, smiled, and looked at each other whispering “aww how cute”. My godson on the other hand was terrified and had no idea what was happening. As he grows physically and spiritually, he will become more understanding of the events of that day.
I don’t think any of us fully understand what exactly is happening to us when we make important milestones in our spirituality. For me, I was raised Catholic and so starting with baptism, I have made all my sacrements in a timely fashion (my parents made sure of that). Although i knew exactly what i was to do during the ceremony, I never understood the significance of them. I think what makes us more in touch with the holy spirit is the faith we exemplify when we go through events in the church that we don’t fully understand, and maybe, are terrified by.
I used to also fear the holy spirit when I was younger. I still think ghost are scary. I do remember when I was younger back in the Philippines when we lived in my grandma’s house. They said that her house was haunted which I believed because I witness it myself. I rocking chair was moving by itself when all the windows were close. yikes! That was one of the reason why I feared the holy spirit growing up. However, as I learn more about god, I start to realize that the holy spirit is there for you for a reason. It can be god’s plan. I learned much more about the holy spirit which makes me not fear it as much as I used too.
When I was growing up, I never could understand exactly what the Holy Spirit was. I was raised in a Catholic family, we attend church weekly and I went to a Catholic school, where I would have daily lessons about my religion, but I could never fully understand the Holy Spirit. While reading this I can now invision the Holy Spirit as being option three. Something that we live intertwined with. When I was baptized I had received the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is something God sends to protect me and guide me to come back to him. It lives within me.
To me the whole concept of the trinity (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) is interesting. God being the father and main focus of the Christian faith, Jesus being the son sent by God to teach his will, and the holy spirit who is sort of a messenger of God, and a reminder to Christians of the presence of God through out their daily life. It seems to me that anyone trying to be a good Christian should learn as much as they can about the holy spirit because the spirit appears to me to be the closest thing today’s Christians have to Jesus or God being on earth with them at all times to guide them to do good things through out life. So therefore it seems like having a close relationship with the holy spirit would help any Christian to have a close relationship with God.
I was just like you when I was a kid. I was afraid of the Holy Spirit when I was younger because to me the ‘Holy Spirit’ was like a ghost or something. I never understood exactly what the Holy Spirit was, and I never had anyone to explain it to me. Although I did go to a Catholic school my entire life, I still never understood what the Holy Spirit was until a couple years ago. When I got baptized I was just a baby, and so I didn’t know what I was being baptized into or anything like that. I had no idea what a baptism was, let alone the Holy Spirit. After someone finally sat me down and explained it to me, it became so much more obvious to as to why someone would want to follow the Holy Spirit. God created us so that the Holy Spirit could live inside of us and guide us the way God wants. The Holy Spirit is God’s way of helping us get to heaven and doing right.